An unwanted goodbye

An early morning phone call at work has my whole body shaking and tears start running down my cheeks...Johnny is dead. A man I had come to love and care for...not just for his kindness, helpfullness and thoughtful heart, but also for our many discussions, arguments and disagreements...is no longer here and the thought that I'll never get to see or talk to him again feels unreal.

I sit down to try to figure out what was actually just said to me. My mind feels foggy and strange and all I know is that I have to leave...we have to get to mom.

My sister is waiting for me and together we go to pick up Johnny's youngest son. The drive from Stockholm to the hospital in Västerås takes about an hour but feels like 3. We're driving towards chaos, towards something unreal, towards a last goodbye.

It's Johnny, it doesn't really look or feel like him, but there he is. As my eyes fill up with tears I'm almost able to fool myself to think that he's just sleeping...but as a young man kneels down next to his dad and asks him to live, reality hits again and my heart wants to break into pieces, life just doesn't seem fair. The only small comfort there is to find is that he looks at peace, with a slight smile on his face, as he so often had. He was a restless soul whom I hope has found peace among the angels that I choose to believe exists.

The next couple of days just feel unreal. You're fumbling around like in a fog where time just disappears. We're in a bubble, in a place where hours feels like days, but where you still at the end of the day ask yourself where the time went.

Tough times awaits us...especially for mom and two brothers. Thank godness for family and good friends.